I'm pissed off at you.
We scheduled to jam together today
even though you told me you might be busy
somehow, you still left me with hope.
you told me you were going to try really hard to make this happen
because you felt bad for making other plans earlier in the day
then I asked you a simple question of where we were gonna meet up;
your response:
"im so sorry ariel. i've gotta go home to help my dad out with stuff. sry"
...shit
I canceled $work$ to play music with you
because i needed help with a jazz class.
i don't even miss you
I don't even wanna be with you
but somehow...
you pissed me off.
what are you, afraid of me?
because everytime that we have tried to do something music related...
you quit.
you're a quiter
if you can get out of something you dont wanna do.
you quit.
and you're an ass hole.
we're never speaking again.
so i guess, thanks for being my first love.
you mean nothing to me now.
absolutly nothing
work or play
nothing.
fuck you
I'm over him as long as he's not here..
When he's here he gives me hope,
and I always end up getting hurt.
simply walking down the streets
or answering a knock at the door
I'm paranoid; my heart skips a beat
my stomach drops
and my knees begin to shake.
here are my 25 things about me *new*
1) I've fallen for my best friend.... yet again.
2) I should stop being friends with him because it hurts too much.
3) I should not party 3 days in a row. ever again.
4) I'm not as outgoing as I used to be
5) I broke my diet.
6) I've realized that not having a relationship work out in a really long time... sucks!
7) I wish I wasn't fat from this desiese and didnt have scars on my stomach to prove it...
8) I've found that I can truly give my all to God. thanks to church and talking to kris
9) suzanne is awesome
10) most all of my exes are big fat jerks
11) music is my one and only remedy for feeling good
12) i love my roommate to pieces!
13) singing and performing this week has reassured me that I really am good. its nice to have self esteem
14) my family has changed sooo much. i feel like i dont really know them anymore and they dont know me.
15) im really excited to go to romeo and juliet ballet next friday!
16) I'm worried about not caring anymore about my grades
17) I'm really confused whether i should tell my bestfriend my true feelings, because it could really ruin our friendship.
18) i just wish i knew how he felt about me. in all honesty
19) I need to find a french song
20) I;m watching napolean dynamite right now
21) I loooove thunderstorms!!
22) I'm running on a total of about 8 hours of sleep this entire weekend! starting thursday..
23) I love to live in the moment of things, but i also wish I could set long term goals for myself that I will actually follow through with.
24) I want to move away and start everything new again. but I can't escape my past.
25) I am more than ready to just feel happy again!
- Location:A^2
- Mood:
frustrated
my friend asked me out though and I couldn't completely turn him down because that would make things awkward being friends. And honestly he's a great musical connection...I know it sounds horrible to use people like that for my own career. but....it has to happen if I want to succeed in this business.. so anyways he asked me out for "coffee or something" and I said "maybe. we'll see. I'm pretty busy this week"...so right now, the plan is to just blow him off OR go to coffee with other people.. that could work. then he would know this is just friends. OR I could make up an imaginary boyfriend back home or something... but I'm thinking that might hurt him more, like he would get mad because he thinks I'm leading him on by talking to him again....oh boys.... so confusing......
anyways. other things in my life... I'm not so fond of. I really wish I was off these stupid steroids so I can lose some weight and be happy again. I won't have this round "mooned" out face anymore. and I wouldn't be moody and spacing out. or freaking out because the walls are closing in on me. seriously. these drugs suck! and my stomach isn't getting any better either. I'm still in pain and can't focus nearly as well as I'd like to. and my doctor wants to put me back on the meds that put my liver into remission. WTF?! I'm not even smart enough for med school and I know that's a bad idea... thus my new career choice instead of being a choral director and performing. I will be a nurse and perform. so I can help people who are in pain like me and give them the attention instead of a random phone call at 11 at night because the doctor doesn't have time for each of his patients... UGH! it drives me insane! .. and sing at night :)
I wish I could be as skinny as everyone else and not have these stretch marks from the hospital that are really embarrassing when people mention them. and I wish I could work out and actually notice improvements without hurting myself.
If I could change one thing in my life. It would be that.
you know? I really have forgotten what it's like to be healthy.
I forgot what it's like to not be in pain constantly.
I've forgotten what it's like to get a good nights sleep.
I've forgotten what popcorn or salads taste like.
or cheese!.... how i miss eating cheese!
I've forgotten what it's like to be in shape
I've forgotten what it's like to not be embarrassed with my self image.
to be honest. I've forgotten what it's like to be normal and fit in with a crowd of people.
- Location:school
- Mood: annoyed
my dad was laid of from work and he just told me this morning. I've been crying about it all day. I can't tell someone about it without crying. I'm fighting back the tears right now just typing it.
so now both of my parents are unemployed and I will have to pay for the University of Michigan by myself. I JUST started my first job last week. and I only work 4 hours a week (making $9/hr) ... not bad.... but still I will look for a night/weekend job at like B-dubs or a coffee house. I'll need as much money as I can to afford school next year. and a car this summer to get to work. I'll need to work full-time. which means my social life will dramatically change. well, hopefully not so dramatically. but there will definately be some changes.
And in realizing all of this..... my appreciation for what I have had (being spoiled..i know it) is so much more stronger. just today I appreciate living and not being pregnant and not having cancer and being talented enough to be told I will succeed with my voice.
I had to write a paper today for musicology about the struggles one goes through to make a living as a musician. I had no doubts before because I knew I had the parents who supported me and also ... the money. Now that one of those things have changed, I DO have doubts about becoming a musician.... just a musician. I'm good at math, maybe I can get an education degree in math.... or english. I could become an editor. or maybe an accountant and sit in an office all day counting numbers and making sure everything is in order. maybe I could be a nurse. I handle blood very well, and with being in and out of the doctors so much. I understand at least 90% of what they're saying. I could easily be a nurse. work days, perform nights, teach on weekends and days off from work.
whatever I decide to do, I now have to think money wise and not so much what I love doing.
I have to change there's no doubt about that.
I will get straight A's. I'm really determined.
I will work 2 part time jobs. I NEED the money.
I will be smart about my decisions in the music industry and work my ASS off to gain as much knowledge as I can from this amazing and expensive school.
I will be optimistic about all of this.
and lastly, I will appreciate the things that I have and what is given to me. because I now know that things are not come by as easy as they once were.
"Hard work beats talent if talent doesn't work hard." - Dr Steve Zegree
------a quote that I will live and stand by forever.
- Location:school
- Mood:
melancholy
wow. I really have NO motivation.
What am I to do?
all I can think of is how happy I am that I fell out of love FINALLY
but once I think of that, I realize how lonely I am...without love.
and today when I was singing, I didn't even have the motivation to practice and learn my new pieces. All I was thinking was wishing I was better than I am, and how easy my life would be if I was amazing. but I realize that being amazing takes hard work.
I wish there were an easy button.
or a wish button.
where you can press the big red button and all of your dreams and wishes and desires would come true in a matter of seconds!
if only, if only.
valentines day is coming up. it's also cassie's birthday so there's not SO much pressure to go on a date that night as some other people may feel. but still, it would be nice. and maybe, just maybe. things will balance. now that I am going through a rough patch of emotional messy-ness, maybe something extrodinary will happen. and life will be balanced.
and to tell the truth, I have been REALLY worried about something "life-changing" possibly happening. I went to the doctors today to get a shot for birthcontrol and I couldnt get it because the nurses were being bitches and wanted to leave work early because I was the last one in the office. those bitches. so I have to wait another week to get birthcontrol and I have to take a pregnancy test because I'm a month late in taking the shot and i got teary eyed when they told me that.......so I've been EXTREMELY worried lately because maybe I havnt been the most careful female in the world. oh shit....now im freaking out again...I don't know what to do with myself besides wait. wait. and wait.......
god I just wanna cry right now! and I wish I could just find out now and stop worrying. it's driving me NUTS! ahhh!!!
:(
well, that's all of me for tonight,
Ariel
- Location:school
- Mood:
nervous - Music:tv
I didn't think about that boy (no longer known as him anymore) at all for the past week or so.
I really think I'm over marcus.
And now I am open to let a new form of love into my life.
Either music for the time being or someone else, if they are up to par, will be aloud to take loves place in my heart.
I think music deserves some ariel lovin' as for right now.
who knows?
maybe music will take human form
and I will be happy and have butterflies* again.
oh, how I miss butterflies*!
and being giddy!
and letting myself fall in love!
I think my dream guy is music. and dreams. and smiles. and romance. and funny.
= all the things I truly love
in human form.
in human form.
yup. sounds good.
love, ariel.
love, ariel.
- Location:dorm
- Mood:
calm
-IPA doesn't make any sense
- I had an amazing voice lesson today and I feel great!
- why are my guy friends acting all awkward around me....like flirty....?
-american idol is really annoying
- my tummy hurts.
- i hope my life doesnt change from ONE stupid mistake...
-I hope you dont end up falling for me
- sleep sounds really good right now
- im going to audition for american idol so i can prove im better than all of these people who CANT sing
- im extremely competetive
- i really dont miss you anymore
-it's like it never happened
- i like talking to my mom
- i wish my dad was happy
-i wish cassie wasnt so depressed and would wake up and realize soon before life hits her hard.
- my boobs hurt. ha
- i don't belong in michigan (the state)
-it's really really cold outside and in my room
-its also really dry
- my music theory teacher gives WAY too much homework
- i can't wait to start work! if the manager would get back to me....geez
- im really excited to go home this weekend
- i kind of wanna commute to school, but i know i would never get anything done.
- i dont wanna party every weekend
- i want more guy-friends
- im hoping a boy will sweep me off my feet when im not ready for it so i can get butterflys all over again :)
- i really miss getting butterflys****
- i know i shouldnt be thinking about boys because i really need to focus in my singing
- my self-confidence has gone up like a sky rocket since iv been here at UofM....is that supposed to happen.
- i need to not be on steroids anymore
- i should probably stop ranting.
thanks for reading ^.^
- Location:school
- Mood:
nerdy - Music:american idol
"out my window i see lights going dark
your dark eyes don't haunt me
and then i wonder who i am
without the warm touch of your hand"
--- I don't miss you at all- Norah Jones
This song has summed up my whole time here at college thus far and getting over you.
All of these things I want to be able to share and tell you
and I would hope that you could understand what I've been through
but all I can wonder is if you would ever feel the same
i wonder if what my daily thought process consists of could be shared
i wonder if you dream of me the same way I still dream of you.
Without you, life still goes on. I know that now
Life doesn't stop for love
and time continues on without sympathy
Without you the snow falls, the grass grows
the sun rises and falls in the always persistent manner.
day by day, and night by night
at least one memory
in one face
i am reminded of you.
"As I sit and watch the snow
Fallin' down
I don't miss you at all.
I hear children playin' laughin' so loud
I don't think of your smile.
So if you never come to me
You'll stay a distant memory "
---I don't miss you at all - Norah Jones
- Location:dorm
- Music:i dont miss you at all- norah jones
I even feel like writing this out won't do me any good either because I will still be judged. who am i? and what have a let my image be?
one major problem i have with this is dealing with so many controversies.
staying pure, but still have fun
being career minded, but also not run by it. i do want to have a life outside of music.
and all these i see myself as, i also see my mom in a lot of me too....it's scary to think that i will turn out like her. i can't bare with myself to not be like her. although the image she portrays is nothing i am fond of.
i dont know what to do.
pleading like this and asking for sympathy from the one person who i know reads these silly things. i don't need it. not saying that i don't want it.
i love attention, that's another thing. I also find myself loving the alone time i part myself from the world around me. i like to be invisible. i also like to stand out and be the best.
i want to let myself fall in love again. instead running from it seems to be more fun. and consequently an easy way out.
i'm not asking for anything to come my way or another. i'm actually quite content the way things are going right now. it passes the time til i can fall out of love and maybe by then, i will be ready for something amazing again like the first time to come my way. i can wait. it will be worth it.....i hope
but then again, maybe waiting isn't something I need to be worried about. what if love and finding and accepting myself and all of those glorious things are right in front of me, or have even come and gone not too long ago. I can't help but wonder if anything will spark again like the connection we've shared with eachother has obviously remained the same.
i just don't know if you are the same, i know i am not. and i do not know whether our differences could ever compare like they once have many months ago....
the things in life that make me wonder so....
love, ariel
- Location:room
- Music:madame butterfly
no where to go
I'm here besides myself
There you go
your own world
time doesn't mean a thing to you.
makes me wonder
do you even take a moment to think of me?
or have I left you complete
you don't realize anymore
If so, I don't miss you at all
you don't care
cause you don't know
how empty I've been without you in my world
my insecurities are takin' over me
please just let me be, oh
- Location:dorm
- Mood:
aggravated - Music:soar--christina aguilara
maybe im sick
maybe im lonely
maybe im stressed
maybe i miss him
maybe im losing self confidence
maybe i feel like i dont belong
maybe i need to lose some weight
maybe i need to sleep more
maybe i need to practice more
and maybe all i need is a friend.
honestly, this is what i've been telling myself since we've left each other. Now i can truthfully say that i have been really happy these past couple of weeks because my thought process has been working..
but now that we've talked today, i let you know that i am in fact over you. and what we had wasn't love, it was passion. just like what isaac and i had was lust....so in fact, i have not fallen in love yet. and until i find love, i will delight myself with plesures of all other emotions.
this just proves to me i can take my time because i have such a long life ahead of me because there are so so many emotions left to go.
thank you, marcus, for showing me passion.
....oh optimism :)
- Location:dormatory
- Mood:everything!
- Music:T.I.
I didn't think about him at all today! just until now when i realized i wasn't thinking about him.
life is finally getting good again :)
ps- i have decided: i don't want you in my life anymore.
- Location:dorm
- Mood:
relieved
I've been so upset with you that i've reached the thought process of why i even fell for you...
i hate you as a person. you treat me like shit, but i still loved you through all the hard times and never fought against you.
i just wish you could experience what i go through each day.
one minute i'll miss you like hell, all i'll do is listen to our songs.
the next, im crying in my pillow because i hate you so much
for the things you do or say to me. i hate it!
i hate how you say things and then somehow prove to me you didnt mean a word.
i hate how you say you miss me soooo much and then ignore me or change your plans
i hate how you can tell me how horrible of a person i really am, and i LISTEN to you...
i hate how you won't tell me how you feel
I hate how we're not on the same page like we used to always be
i hate how our music isn't harmonized anymore
i hate how we can both move on but somehow you always bring me back, and i repeat steps one through 3 of missing you
i hate how you can tell me you love me, but when i say it to you, you tell me i shouldn't.
i hate how i waisted a potentially amazing summer
i hate how you can bring down my selfesttem and expect me to accept it
i hate how you use my name when you're mad
i hate you
i really do...
i think it's really time to move on, this obviously isn't going to work anymore. all those things i've told you, every poem that i've written.....wow was i wrong.
i hope this summer, we can live close and never have to encounter eachother again. i dont want to fall for you again. because i still love you. but now i hate you.
god damn it!
**i hate how i can cry about this!
by a series of unknown hands
as they caress and sooth me
fear resolutes thoughts back to you.
Until we've met again
you welcomed me with a haunting moment
de'javu
certainly I knew love had exsisted in you.
And all of this, put simply,
seeing and missing you
got me started back.
beginning of square one.
You left things tangled up
now I sit, trying to figure this out
Why nothing feels like something
and why somthing should be nothing.
You leave me speechless
only the memories are left
floating through my head
reasoning why all this could be true
de'javu
I still love you
- Location:back from MSU trip
- Mood:
contemplative - Music:i'm yours- jason mraz
Listen to how beautiful this is...
Ariel,
It is crazy to believe that in the past 8 days I have felt more alive than ever before. It's something in the way you look at me, like the world stops for those few seconds, and I am the only thing you see. No one has ever been able to make me feel so naked, yet I feel closer than ever. You cut through me in ways I never thought possible
You know what I think before I say it, and when I look like an idiot, you laugh and run your hands through my hair. You never take anything for granted. To put it simply, you cherish every moment like it's the last. You give everything. And in return, you ask for nothing.
You are the most kind-hearted, outgoing, and sensitive girl I know. You have no idea how beautiful you are... Do you know why you rise with the sun each morning? Because just like the sun, we, your lovers, family, friends, depend on the sun for light and warmth.
I have never met a girl closer to perfection in everyway, and it leaves me speechless. I hope that some of the music can explain the emotions that i sift through every day and pray that you discover how truly wonderful you are.
love, Jesse
CD included
And here's my response, which jesse will never ever find out. it will break the poor kids heart.
Im sorry but he is way way too clingy and emotional for me. I need a guy who has confidence and ...well a lot of confidence. plus the ONLY reason me and marcus broke up was because of college to focus on music and to date around but nothing like a relationship....ughhhhhhh....plus jesse is not my type at all!!! but he is very cute, just not for me. i mean everyday all he wants to do is see me and kiss me i swear he is in love with me. the way he looks at me is way way scary! i can't do this. and at first i thought it was because of marcus that i had this mind set that i could never love again. but no, its not that at all. i came here to college, flirting with other guys. but then jesse came and i cant do anything! i cant go out and party on weekendsbecause its almost like a demand that i spend it with him.....grrrr....i cant handle this. i dont deserve him, some girl who needs to here something like what the letter above describes....ya, thats not me. and i dont plan on being that for him....ever.....sorry jesse...
- Location:dorm
- Mood:
blah - Music:alicia keys, my boo
not college, but the people here at college....
i feel sooo awful and guilty doing these things. like partying and sleeping over with boy's (yeah i know im a freaking whore. yes that is plural!)
god! i dont know what to do with myself. i keep leading guys on...to nothing. maybe a hook up but nothing like what they're looking for.
so heres the story. a couple nights ago i went to this vocalist party and i knew my friend jesse would be there(i knew hime from camp and i knida had a crush on him..) and when i saw him at the party he looked so good! and he was a super gentleman, saying all the right things, opening doors for me...way cute! but at the party they had a roof you could go out on of her house and it was just me and jesse talking under the trees and stars..it was very nice :) and we started cuddling and holding hands and i thought for sure we were gonna hook up. and people kept hinting it. butl....nothing happened. so he invited me over to his apartment for some wine :)mmm... and i couldn't make it back to my dorm at 330 in the morning so i spent the night in his room. and the odd thing is...we STILL just cuddled and held hands. in other words .. he wants something more than a hook up.... and we had dinner last night and now im going over there again tonight...i dont know if i can handle this. i mean i still feel like im obligated to marcus.
but marcus is kinda being a douch. he's changed so much. and so have i. and we just dont mix too well anymore like i thought we would be. it sux, but whatever. we had our thing. and now im not sure AT ALL that somehting will ever happen again with him as much as i want it to. it won't. i can't stand him and yet i still flirt and talk to him like we still have before. i just feel like im faking every word that's coming out of my mouth...i dunno. and today im supposed to give him a call to talk. i dont know what to tell him. i dont know whether i should bring up jesse or not.....HELP!!!!!
- Location:dorm
- Mood:
confused - Music:norah jones
wednesday:
I moved in at 9 in the morning. it was very...well intresting to find that my room is located on the 6th floor with an elevator that is broken and has a mind of its own..meaning-it doesnt go to the 6th floor. so I will be taking the stairs, which is a good thing though, cuz i need to stay in shape. then after, i hung out with my friend aly, shes really cool and reminds me of all you choir drama kids. we went exploring downtown ann arbor, which by the way i have fallen in love with :) after that i met my roommate and shes very cool. kinda exactly like me! i can tell, it will be a fun year :D so later that night i met up with some really preppy girls i went to orientation with and we went to a frat party. thus me experiencing my first kegger....yeah beer...i like it alot actually. but the party sucked cuz everyone just wanted a drink and thats it. no socializing or anything...kindof uncomfortable.
thursdaY:
showered...not bad....met up with shoshana and aly and went book shopping. josh saw me but i didnt see him :( then was the freshmen convocation...BORING!! and then artscapade where i met up with the rest of the milford kids. mark champe, kris rielly, christine harris, melinda mosher, marrisa baronowski...and saw the other guys in my dorm. joe winn is like living next hall to me. its cool i guess. and then i went to the dorm to sleep but some girl down our hall came in and she ended up staying til freaking 3 in the morning!!!!! she locked herself out of her room and me and skye felt really bad and told her she could stay til she got back in her room. ughh
friday:
woke up early for the music, theater, dance meeting where we met everyone. there is definently another ariel who sings!!! yikes!!!! someone else has my namE! WTF! lol. then hung out at kris' apartment and watched so you think you can dance. honestly i really dont wanna hang out with him all that much in college. only because i'm my highschool self when im hanging out with him. he is the only one that kinda really knows who that person WAS (yeah thats right- past tense) and thats exactly what i wanna do in college, is to keep that old ariel in the past tense!
but then after that i went to this bubble tea bash and met up with an asian girl who i met via facebook. shes president of an asian sorority and was recruting me and this other girl. and shes actually really cool. we walkd around downtown and ate some sushi haha. i think i might rush for them. but who knows. then after that i met up with skye in hannah's, her twin sister, room and decided to go to a house party. where i played my first game of flip cup (SO FUN) and beer pong(yuk!). i was pro at flip cup. and got really drunk. which made everything so much fun :) and we had a dance party to like ymca and stacy's mom! o man! this house party though was sooo much way more different from the frat party. the guys there were really social and really geeky. it was cute. one of them looked like mathew mkhonoley. yeahhhh ;) then we crashed in hannah's room with their friend wyatt. and i feel asleep on the futon with skye sleeping next to me and woke up with wyatt next to me...weird....i woke up and was liek...where the hell am i?! lol so ....
saturday:
then we went to breakfast/lunch with wyatt. then practiced for an hour :) it feels good AND....the piano's are in tune!!!! HORAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! now i am watching the game on tv with skye and emily. yeah, im gonna relax today finally :) maybe party later tonight.. well see..
- Location:in my...DORM ROOM!!!!
- Mood: content
- Music:the game
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